Vani's Blog

There has been so much that has happened in the past few days. I have been thinking so much about my relationship and love. I felt like I was trying so hard to understand myself in love and my own sense of self. As you know, I am such a person that I will forget myself in a relationship and I will put the other person’s wants and needs before me. That made me feel like I was losing that sense of self and the only person that existed was me in a relationship. I realized that that sense of self is so important to me.

After much suffering and introspection and tears, I came to the realization that I just needed to find that balance between me as an individual and me in a relationship. I share the belief that they are two different people. Of course, there is overlap and some integration but there is always some separation and I didn’t know how to have that separation.

After I understood it, I feel free. I feel so much love for him that I can’t describe in words. I realize that my love for him and myself can go hand in hand and they are such good friends that they don’t fight at all. They are the two most cordial people that I have ever met. My love for him and my love for myself has set me free. I always used to think that it’s the other person’s love towards me that is supposed to set me free. I was so wrong. It’s your love towards them and yourself at the same time is what sets you free. No one can ever give that to you other than your own self.

My love for him has come to a point where I love him regardless of the fact that his love for me might diminish or go away. I love him because I love him. It’s as simple as that and nothing will change that, not even him. This is the kind of love I have always wanted and I always doubted if I could ever love this way. I guess I just needed to have that faith in me.

My heart is at so much peace regarding my love for him and this relationship that I can’t begin to describe in words how it feels. It feels like such a heavy weight is taken off my shoulders, a weight that I never had to carry but it was important to carry to come to this realization because no pains, no gains. I am hoping that I can explain it to him and convey what I feel for him and that he will understand. I want him to find happiness too, with or without me. Of course, I would like it to be with me, but I would understand if it’s not. I want to get on top of the mountain and yell that I love him. I just hope and wish that he feels it too.