Vani's Blog

I have been thinking. Yes, again! There is just so much going on that I don’t even know where to start. It involves both personal life and professional life. I feel like I don’t understand people anymore. Why do people do what they do? That was the primary question that got me in the study of psychology. Nobody told me that the deeper you go, the less you want to know. I find it a little heartbreaking because I don’t have the kind of hatred for people that people around me have. I don’t want to have the kind of dislike or hatred towards people that people have around me. I am sitting here trying to be understanding and listening to everyone around me.

I just wish that I could also be the person who could just say my thoughts and not be always psychoanalyzing and questioning every single thought I have. There is so much in my mind that I do want to say it out loud sometimes, but I just can’t. I have the hardest time sharing my own emotions because I don’t want to hurt the other person, or I am trying to be understanding of their situation or I feel like I will be a burden if I tell them when they have their own stuff to take care of. Why do I always feel this way? Who are these people who can just say their feelings out loud and are able to put it into words without thinking so much? I wish I was that person too. I wish I was simple. I tell myself sometimes, maybe it’s not so deep and I should just say it. But then comes the whole understanding and the burden part and it never comes out.

Why am I like this? I am okay some of the days but some days are just hard and I just wish that someone could just read my mind, read my silence, read me without me having to say it out loud. I probably have said that in one of my previous posts but this thing is so consistent and I can’t help saying it again. I feel like I try so hard to keep it together, but sometimes I just don’t want to. At the same time, I can’t even fathom putting it on someone else to make me feel better because I don’t think it’s their responsibility. Why is it so hard? I just wish I understood that part of myself as well as some other parts. I just wish…