Vani's Blog

To carry on from my last post, I am on stage 2 now. I am feeling numb from all the emotional pain that I have been experiencing. It’s so tiring and taxing on the brain that my brain is now shutting down and not wanting to feel anything at all, point blank period. I have stopped feeling hungry, so I have been eating only once a day, like a proper meal if that. I feel like I have absolutely nothing at all to say to anyone. I do feel a little bad for people who actually care like my parents, some of my friends but everyone is getting dragged in this feeling of numbness. People who I was struggling with will not communicate or tell me what is going on and are just silent. I have been racking my brain with the worst case scenarios about the whole situations with those people. Now, my brain doesn’t want to anymore.

It’s tired of being tired. So it’s moving on to not giving a shit and shut down and not feel at all. I mean, I don’t blame it. I am thankful to it because it’s saving me from more emotional pain that is to come because I see it coming. I have a vacation coming up and I can’t even be happy about it, like wtf. I am looking forward to getting away from this tension though and having that physical space because maybe it will do me some good, or maybe worse. Whichever direction it goes, I think I will get my closure because I am at a point that closure is all I need and want. I am okay with just myself, whether it’s good or not. At least I can fix things and do something about whatever it is. I am tired of pitying myself and I don’t want to anymore.

I am numb….