Vani's Blog

I have been thinking a lot lately. Not that I ever not think a lot. Sometimes, I really wish that I didn’t feel the need of anyone in my life. I am okay with wanting people in my life but I am in a constant battle with myself about needing that human touch, that human connection, that desperateness and being content with just being with myself. I want to be self-sufficient to the point that I don’t need anyone in my life but I know that it is not possible. Human is a social animal and we need those social connections to feel relevant and important in some sense.

I find it pretty amazing how we, as humans, make those connections throughout our lifetime and how we go through the contentment as well as the loss because of those connections. It’s really hard to accept the truth that no one stays forever in a literal as well as metaphorical sense. If we don’t lose someone to death or betrayal, then we lose them to the impermanence and ever-changing personalities. There is always some form of loss but there is always a beginning as well. It’s never possible to have an end to one thing and not have a beginning to another thing, even if we want or believe it or not.

I have been thinking about my own connections a lot lately, especially the ones that were so dear that are no more. It really feels like they are gone and the pain that comes with that loss can’t be described in words. I constantly try to remind myself that it’s not the person itself but it was their personality and their ways of thinking that I adored and no one can ever take that away from me, not even that person who I have lost. I tell myself that the ideological presence is almost more important than that physical presence. I am not always able to believe it but it’s my way of dealing with the pain, the loss, the feeling of abandonment. Sometimes it works, other times, it doesn’t. It’s one day at a time.

We live and we learn…

🧡